These days I have been fighting with a close, strange and unsolved feeling. Something between being good, brilliant, healthy, an instance, best wife, best student, best teacher, respectful citizen and ten thousand more titles I want to gain, beside there are a dozen of harsh, sad, disappointing and dirty thoughts which are talking to me in the same time.
All those show themselves to me 24 hours a day; from the first till the late at night I have a upset part inside. Additionally, I carry other type of feeling all day. I think about my family, especially about my little brother however he is a strong man now, he is matured enough to decide, to cry alone, to solve his problems, to set his programs… I remind myself ten thousands times a day that he is matured, he is old enough to run his life. But a big part of me is crying , always is thinking and worried about him. I cannot stop this part, I am not in peace, What can I do to manage my worries and sorrow? I always believe that we grown up fast, sooner than our classmates, teammates or even same-aged relatives.
He grown up fast and ran into the hardships quickly. I feel a heavy stone on my chest. I wish I would be powerful enough to help him in any case, any time and for ever. I wish I could be wealthy enough to enrich him as much as he needs.
But I am not. this is the reality. I am not wealthy, Actually I am nothing in financial matters. I am a teacher with a regular salary or even lower than what is necessary. we live based on what our monthly wages tell us. we can not dream about five stars hotels and vacation in Hawai.
I know all these facts. I know he should do his best, I am sure he is doing, In contrast I am sure his effort does not meet his life needs and expense ; I really want to do something for him but I cannot. I just can call him once a week , greeting and wish him the best.
what causes me to cry is when I remember we played together,we were those who lost in an island, or we were teammates in a soccer team, or even we planed to go to park, we shared our money, I taught him English to pass his exam, we went to beach with our common friends, we looked for new video musics, we talked about different people… all these memories are around, just like it was yesterday and now I cannot be convinced that I am not no longer with him, around him. It is so strange, I am married for three years and half, he is married for 4 years and half, against I could not have accept the reality of distance, the fact that this is life; life is dirty, wild, harsh, kindles and unfair…
I know all, but I cannot accept it because I do not want to. I would not like to accept that I should forget about my most important people in my life that I have learnt love, care and passion by them.
How is it possible? Why I must sit in front of my notebook, crying and writing about desire of assistance and help but being disable to do something practically useful?